A heavvvvvy heart.

I got one of those phone calls last night that everyone dreads. While in deep sleep I heard my house phone ring at about 11:45pm.."who the helll??". A familiar voice was on the other end, in tears, shock and fear telling me his cousin was shot, killed....the little one..the baby. Of a family of five kids this young man was the "wash belly" of the group. They used to play football together every Friday night religiously and communicated every single day, just to say hey or chat bout school, life, girls or some random shit. They were close. But now , he was being told his "blood" was lying on cold concrete, lifeless.
He had to go. He had to see for himself. "This cannot be happening" , I am sure he thought as he sped all the way to the scene. He was only 20 years old. A student.Handsome fellow. "Wouldn't hurt a fly", is what many would say.
A sudden chill ran over me as my brain rendered me speechless. What could I possibly say?? I listened as he frantically ran off the phone and prayed it was a mistake. I eventually fell back asleep, but when I got up this morning it was the first thing on my mind. Oh my God, what did I really hear last night? I don't think I have ever wished so hard for something to be a nightmare, but I did. Then it hit me.He said HE WAS DEAD.I headed to the shower running on autopilot, I don't even know how I got ready. We hear these tings all the time..well....e.v.e.r.y.d.a.y. but when it's right there,in your space,it sure is different.

I texted my mother and told her the devastating news, only for it to get worse. He was also a friend of my little sister. She knew him since prep school and now they were at university together....it doesn't end there. She saw him just yesterday. They hugged and chatted for a bit. What must she be feeling right now? What could I possible say to her?

My heart is heavy. Heavy because despite the millions of issues plaguing Jamaica right now I don't know what is going to happen in terms if violent crimes such as these. I don't know whether to be afraid or mad as hell. Afraid that one night I too may get such a chilling phone call, but more so mad that these "persons" if they be called such, have seemed to scared the Jamaican people into submission. It's like its their world and we all just paying rent until THEY  decide our time is up and we need to move out. Why should a 20 year old student get the news that yet another friend has been shot down. Why should kids be attending funerals.....one every couple months at that? As a people,we will soon have more black clothes than any other colour and eventually, it will only be funeral homes that have a booming business in this downhill economy. This grieves me. Lately, I don't see anybody expressing surprise when they find out a friend has been brutally murdered. BB statuses now read " Another one gone" or "God is recruiting his angels". What is really going on???

My heart is heavy.Just thinking of a mother who wasn't able to protect her youngest, a brother who could not  look out for his lil bro, a  father who won't  see his son graduate, sisters who communicate via email and haven't hugged their brother in while, a cousin who lost his Friday night football partner and confidante, a friend who held her long time friend for the last time and had no clue,she would not be seeing him again.

As if life isn't hard enough, then there are moments like these when people suffer at the hand of the wicked. When you are forced to wonder about life and your own existence, when you begin to question God and his plan for you, when you are angered by the imbalance of evil over good, regardless of how hard you try to maintain the latter..... when we remember and recite the 23rd Psalm.

As I pray for the family of yet another fallen young soldier, I cannot help but feel the extensive weight of my heart as I can only imagine what they are going through.Better yet..I cant imagine...so in the meantime, I extend my support and help where I can, but it doesn't change the fact that.....my heart heavy.

R.I..P Brian...